and you said cock pushups were impossible
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize