I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Floor bacon is actually really good
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
