He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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