Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Watching her eat just hurts me
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
