I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize