I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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