ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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