he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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