We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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