I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
