Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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