Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
