remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
