You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
