Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
