Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
