Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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