Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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