some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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