So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
