I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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