I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
