singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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