the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
