he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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