theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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