Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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