It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
he puts the penis in happiness.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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