Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize