I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
