she was so not down for the gang bang
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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