I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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