My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
