I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
