last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
