I looked at my own cervix.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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