you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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