Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The struggles of a small town man whore
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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