so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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