I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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