our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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