my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I could fuck to npr.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
