I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
