Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
