Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
