i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
