My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
