I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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