i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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