I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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