i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize