matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
