Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
