Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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