I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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