My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
