I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
