I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
