Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
