So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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