So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
