i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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