he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
