cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
