I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
