Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
