I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
